Table of Contents
Becoming a parent is one of life’s greatest joys, but it also comes with some rather unexpected and hilarious moments. If you’re a new parent, you’ve likely already realized that things rarely go as planned. To help ease you into the chaos with a smile on your face, here are 60 funny (but real!) pieces of advice for new parents to get you through those sleepless nights and unpredictable days.
1
Prepare for All-Night Diaper Runs
You’ll wonder how someone so small can go through so many diapers. Pro tip: There’s always a midnight blowout waiting when you only have one diaper left.
2
Sleep When the Baby Sleeps (Funny Advice for New Parents)
But remember, that’s also when you’ll need to eat, shower, do laundry, and pretend to be a functioning adult.
3
Baby Poop Will Consume Your Life
You’ll talk about poop more than you ever thought possible. It’s a whole new world of colors and consistencies. Welcome.
4
You’ll Have a Favorite Burp Cloth
There will be one magical burp cloth that absorbs just the right amount of spit-up. Protect it at all costs.
5
Coffee Is Your New Best Friend
Forget sleep. Caffeine is the answer to all of life’s problems now. Invest in a really good coffee machine.
6
Showering Becomes a Luxury
A two-minute shower will feel like a spa day. Pro tip: If you get to shampoo AND condition, consider it a personal victory.
7
You’ll Become a Ninja
You’ll master the art of moving silently in the dark to avoid waking the baby. Tip-toeing past landmines of toys? Easy.
8
Baby Smiles Make It All Worth It
Nothing in the world compares to your baby’s first smile. It will melt your heart… right before they scream for another feeding.
9
Spit-Up Happens Everywhere
Yes, everywhere. On your clothes, in your hair, on your dog… You’ll never leave the house without a spare shirt again.
10
The Laundry Never Ends
You thought you did a lot of laundry before? Just wait. Baby clothes multiply like rabbits, and spit-up stains don’t disappear easily.
11
Meal Times Are a Battle Zone
If you ever want to wear your food, try feeding a baby. Somehow, mashed peas will end up on the ceiling.
12
You’ll Learn to Eat One-Handed
You’ll develop the amazing ability to eat an entire meal with one hand while holding the baby in the other. Welcome to your new superpower.
13
Diaper Bags Double as Black Holes
You’ll lose more pacifiers in the diaper bag than you ever thought possible. You put it in there, and poof—it’s gone.
14
Date Night? What’s That?
Dinner and a movie are a distant memory. Now, it’s all about catching 10 minutes of TV between feedings and diaper changes.
15
Changing a Diaper Is a Race Against Time
Can you get the new diaper on before they pee again? Probably not, but it’s worth trying.
16
Beware of Silent But Deadly Moments
If it gets too quiet, something is definitely wrong. Whether they’ve gotten into the toilet paper or colored on the walls, silence is rarely golden.
17
Your Car Becomes a Second Home
Between diaper blowouts and nap time emergencies, you’ll spend more time in your car than you ever thought possible. Keep snacks, wipes, and extra clothes on hand at all times.
18
You’ll Be a Pro at Multitasking
Washing bottles while balancing a baby on one hip? Easy. Answering emails with one hand while the baby naps on your lap? You got this.
19
You’ll Rewatch the Same Show a Million Times
That one episode of Bluey? Yeah, you’ll know it by heart. Get comfortable with your new “favorite” kids’ show.
20
Your Definition of ‘Clean’ Changes
If the floor isn’t sticky, it’s clean enough. Baby-proofing becomes less about aesthetics and more about survival.
21
The Sound of Silence Is Terrifying
When the baby finally sleeps, you’ll be afraid to breathe, sneeze, or even think too loudly for fear of waking them.
22
You’ll Forget Your Own Name
Once your baby starts babbling, you’re no longer Sarah or Mike. You’re simply “Mama” or “Dada,” and that’s all that matters.
23
Pacifiers Are Like Gold
You’ll do anything to find that one elusive pacifier at 2 AM. But somehow, they always disappear into the same black hole as missing socks.
24
Everything Becomes a Chew Toy
If it fits in their mouth, it’s fair game. Your phone, keys, and fingers are all up for grabs.
25
You’ll Become a Professional Photographer
Every smile, every giggle, every cute outfit—everything is a photo opportunity. And yes, your camera roll will be 99% baby pics.
26
Babies Have Perfect Timing
They’ll always wait until you’re on an important call or about to eat dinner to have the biggest meltdown of their lives.
27
Toys Multiply Overnight
You’ll swear you only had three toys yesterday, but today there are thirty. And stepping on a LEGO? Instant pain.
28
No One Knows How to Install a Car Seat
Not even the people who make car seats. Be prepared to spend an hour wrestling with it, only to realize it’s upside down.
29
Baby Socks Have Their Own Agenda
Baby socks disappear more often than you lose your own. Somewhere, there’s a hidden world of missing baby socks.
30
You’ll Master the “Baby Bounce”
Even when you’re not holding the baby, you’ll find yourself swaying and bouncing. It’s an automatic parent reflex.
31
Swaddle Like a Burrito
Mastering the swaddle is key. Wrap them up tight, like a burrito, and watch them drift off into sweet, sweet slumber.
32
Burp Cloths Everywhere
You’ll have one in every room, in every bag, and on every surface. Because spit-up waits for no one.
33
Baby Shoes Are Useless
They’re cute, sure, but baby shoes serve absolutely no purpose. Save your money and stick to socks.
34
Stains Are a Way of Life
That white shirt? A thing of the past. From spit-up to strained peas, nothing is safe from the stain apocalypse.
35
Mirror Baby Is Your New Friend
Nothing entertains a baby quite like their own reflection. Get ready for hours of giggling at the “baby in the mirror.”
36
Baby Smell Is Addictive
You’ll sniff their head like it’s the best thing in the world—and it is. Baby smell is scientifically proven to melt your heart.
37
Sippy Cups Defy Physics
No matter how “spill-proof” they claim to be, sippy cups WILL leak. Usually when they’re upside down on your couch.
38
Baby Laughter Is Contagious
When your baby laughs for the first time, you’ll laugh too. And it won’t matter if you’re dead tired—it’s impossible not to smile.
39
You’ll Learn the Art of the Quick Change
When your baby has a blowout in public, you’ll become a diaper-changing ninja. Speed is key, but so is avoiding the mess.
40
Babies Have Selective Hearing
Your baby will ignore you calling their name, but they’ll hear the crinkle of a snack bag from across the room.
41
Sleep Deprivation Is Real
Forget all those parenting books that say your baby will sleep through the night after three months. Lies! Lies, I tell you!
41
You’ll Google Everything
From “Is green poop normal?” to “How much coffee is too much for new parents?”—Google will become your best friend.
43
Personal Space? What’s That?
You will never again pee, shower, or eat without your baby either crying or watching you like a tiny, adorable stalker.
44
Babies Don’t Like Nice Clothes
Anytime you wear something remotely nice, your baby will make sure to spit up, drool, or have a diaper incident on it. Wear black.
45
You’ll Become a ‘Stroller-Pusher’ Pro
Navigating crowded sidewalks with a stroller? Easy. You’ll be swerving and weaving through people like an Olympic athlete.
46
Everything Takes Twice as Long
Leaving the house? Double the time you think it’ll take. Getting ready for bed? Same deal. Babies are pros at slowing you down.
47
Baby Toes Are Magical
There’s nothing cuter than tiny baby toes. You’ll marvel at how something so small can bring you so much joy.
48
Peek-a-Boo Is a Serious Game
Peek-a-boo will entertain your baby far longer than any fancy toy. And you’ll find yourself enjoying it just as much as they do.
49
You’ll Sing About Everything
Whether it’s diaper changes, nap time, or bath time, you’ll make up silly songs for everything. And yes, they’ll get stuck in your head.
50
Family Photos Will Never Be the Same
Good luck getting everyone to look at the camera at the same time. Babies, like pets, have a way of making family photos a comedy show.
51
Your Phone Will Be Full of Baby Videos
If there’s a funny moment, you’ll catch it on video. Even if it’s just them sleeping, it’s gold.
52
Baby Sleep Is a Myth
Forget those “sleeping through the night” dreams. Get comfortable with the reality of multiple nighttime wake-ups.
53
Babies Are Distractingly Cute
Whether they’re blowing raspberries or playing with a spoon, prepare for endless moments of adorableness that will distract you from everything.
54
The Baby Hold Is Real
You’ll learn to hold a baby in ways you didn’t know possible—while cooking, cleaning, or even attempting to fold laundry.
55
Teething Will Drive You Nuts
When teething begins, say goodbye to peace and quiet. Your baby will gnaw on everything, and you’ll have a teething ring in every room.
56
You’ll Never Leave the House Without Snacks
You’ll have snacks, toys, extra diapers, and a backup outfit in your diaper bag. Oh, and wipes. Don’t forget those.
57
Babies Love a Good Fart
Forget the fact that you’re probably exhausted. Babies think farting is hilarious, and they’ll laugh like you’ve just told the funniest joke in the world.
58
You’ll Become a Champion of Small Talk
At the park, the grocery store, or anywhere really, expect endless small talk with strangers. They’ll all have advice, whether you ask for it or not.
59
Your Clothes Will Never Be the Same
Spit-up, drool, and the occasional baby snack disaster will change your wardrobe. You’ll embrace wearing whatever fits (and doesn’t have a stain).
60
Your House Will Always Be Messy
Forget about keeping a tidy home. Between the baby toys, diapers, and milk spills, your house will be a bit chaotic—but it’ll be full of love.